Just one of them days, huh? How to survive it.
Grace.
That's what I'm working on today. Ugh, it's just one of those days that you wish you could crawl back in bed and skip life. No, I'm not heartbroken, nor do I have any negative energy around Valentine's Day. I just wasn't feeling it.
I woke up at 2:45am and couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was racing, but at the same time I kept thinking, "it's going to be LONG day, if I can't get back to sleep." That thought, by the way, does not help you go back to sleep. Finally I gave in, got up and made some coffee, and sat at my computer to pay some bills. I immediately started beating myself up about some of my spending, which I know is not excessive at all.
I've been telling myself I'm bad with money for so long that I automatically revert to chastising myself like a kid.
So ANNOYING. I'm focusing a lot of my energy right now on shifting my money mindset and rewriting the stories I've told myself for years. Stories like:
- There's never quite enough.
- How do you always spend more than you make? Get it together, girl.
- You shouldn't have this much credit card debt.
- You should just buckle down and pay it off, even if it means having no life.
- You're irresponsible with money.
So what do you do when you're spiraling before dawn?
- You go to the and lift hoping the endorphins help you snap out of it.
- You come home and do some yoga. Maybe that extra oxygen will help?
- You try to meditate for 5 minutes....just 5, Loraine!
- You journal about how frustrated you are.
- You call your fiance and bitch about it.
Most times these things help me out of my funk, but not today!
Finally, I just surrendered into the feeling, and eventually my mind was like, "hey girl, you ready to talk about it?" Please tell me I'm not crazy, guys! I hope I'm not the only one experiencing this rollercoaster of emotions.
At this point, grace kicks in.
You realize that you're doing the best you can with what you have, and what you know.
You will never be perfect.
You don't actually regret the amazing vacations you've put on credit cards, the wonderful conversations you had at happy hours with your girls, the relaxing pedicures, the help you lent others. You don't regret any of it. So what's all the BS shame and guilt about? You're not irresponsible. You're fine, you have good credit and pay all your bills, and you're working on paying the freaking debt down. Chill out, Loraine.
T, I know. I'm working on it. Then I took some deep breaths and carried on. I'm so dramatic
I'm working on giving myself more grace and space, and doing it quicker each time.
If you find yourself in one of these funks or downward spirals, the most important thing you can do is stop and ask yourself, "is this really true?" Examine all of your limiting beliefs (stories) this way. That's the only way grace and acceptance can push their way in and help you think more clearly and feel better.
The bottom line is that if you're already doing your best, feeling guilty about where you fell short isn't going to make you any better. In fact, it's likely to derail you completely. All or nothing.
Maybe it's not money for you. Maybe your trigger comes in the form of food, men, your job, etc.
I share this because I want you to know that you're not alone in the struggle with self-doubt, shame, and guilt.
We all feel it from time to time, which is why I'm constantly preaching self-acceptance, vulnerability, grace, and community. The more we share, the less alone we feel.
As Brene Brown says, “if we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.”
I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day, and thanks for spiraling with me today!
Xo - Loraine
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